Day 2 & 3 Mashup

So I have to be honest, I’m a little buzzed…..:) And I like it. My girlfriend invited me down for a drink and thankfully she lives just a 3 minute walk down the road so if I were to have a bit too much I could crawl up the hill back home.

I titled this  Mashup  because I wanted to write yesterday and should have because I had plenty of material, but was just too tired, or lazy to pull out the laptop. But no fear! My brain is spinning and so beware that more than usual, there will be lots of material to laugh at, but it will be jumbled. I warned you in my first post, it just works that way, and having a buzz it works a little better.

I don’t know why I title my posts with Day #. It is kind of dumb. I was thinking of DOT which stands for day of training, like we used in the AF, but then I thought, this is not training, so what the hell. Again, still don’t know why with the title. I have not put a time limit on this post. But come to think of it, maybe that will help me keep up with how long I go….

Like I said, I just came home from my friends house. My boys are at soccer practice and so what better thing to do. We do this occasionally. Her boys go to scouts, mine go to soccer, and we sit at home, drink wine, and bullshit. This week was nothing special, although a couple of topics were. One, we learned that a substitute teacher at our kids’ middle school got caught with porn on his computer and kids in the class saw it, he’s also a track coach for the school. Another, we had a massive cheating scandal at the high school I work at. That was about it. Our conversations are mostly like an interview. She asks me questions and I answer. She is a nurse that works in an office billing dept. so I guess I have a bit more exciting day then she does.

So yesterday! It’s a Sunday and Saturday we all got up early for a soccer game (0630). I get up early on weekends anyway so no big deal. My husband however, is not an early person so mornings are usually a crap shoot. You just never know what kind of day it is going to start out like. So Saturday was not bad. Sunday was another story. Why can’t I just take a nap after I have been up since 0700 (7 am) fed the cats, fed the dog and took him outside. All I wanted was an hour or two to catch up on. I deserve that. WE deserve that. Considering all that WE do for our families. AND I am an ADULT for god’s sake. If I want to take a damn nap, I’ll take a nap. However, it apparently annoys my husband that I would like to take a nap a….poop break, the dog that is…..why are dogs soooo excited after they take a poop? Could you imagine if we got that way? How funny to see our husbands running out of the bathroom smiling and shaking their ass. I could see it now. that would be pretty funny. I mean, we do applaud our children when they use the toilet, so I guess it could theoretically happen. I’d laugh my ass off. One time, my husband ate so much cheese in just a few days that he got so backed up he ended up seeing a gastroenterologist for it. He literally had not shit for a week. When he did finally go see someone it was first at a military er. When he came home I asked how it went, and he said they made him give himself an enema and then drink some liquid stuff that made he crap very quickly and violently. I had to laugh. It is not often that I can laugh at/with my husband but this was a great one. So he continued to drink this stuff for a few days and it helped, but not enough. So came the gastro doc. A few hundred dollars later, thank god for insurance, he was diagnosed constipated!!!! How freaking funny! It has now become a running joke in our family about cheese and dad’s constipation. He no longer eats a cheese as he once did. In fact, his cholesterol was so bad when we both had check-ups that he had to quite altogether. He has done very well. I am proud.

Back to Sunday and my nap. Why the hell do men think we do not deserve a nap on the weekend? He works from home and trust me when I say he hardly works from home. A good 4/5 days  when I get home from work he is lounging in his recliner in sweats and phone glued to his hand playing the slots. Today was a shocker. In everyday clothes, work laptop open on the island AND wait for it…….loading the dishwasher. Yep! That’s right. Now don’t get to excited, as I did not. Why, because it was his time to load the washer anyway. He just hadn’t done it in two days so there was more to do than usual. In our house, our son unloads, and whomever cooks, the other cleans up. I cooked two days in a row, which is unusual because I am not hungry much after lunch and so if ‘m not hungry I don’t think of cooking. Not a good thing, but true. Chores suck around our house. I have anxiety that I take a couple different meds for and I am usually tires by the time I get home at 3 and need, you guessed it, a nap. he bad thing though, is that I could sleep for the rest of the night up through 0530 when my alarm goes off for work the next day. I don’t know if it is the meds, the high school jerks at work, thyroid or what. My mom has always told me that I could sleep anywhere and at anytime. I just like to sleep. I know it is not good, but shit, I can’t really help it. I want to stay awake, but can’t unless I am busy. But then I can’t find the gumption to get moving to o anything. Yes, I have manic depression too that I take meds for. Mentally I am a bag of nuts, and then some. I do my best to be typical each day, but it can be hard. That’s why I finally turned to writing this blog. I should be talking to a shrink, but, I have decided that I do not need to. I can self-medicate just fine.

Hum, my mind went blank. that sucks. I had so much to write about yesterday. It is just not the same if I have to dig it out. Ok well I will end for now, and make sure not to skip a day again. Good night. SIKE!

As I reread this, I remembered yesterday as I was trying to take a nap my husband was bugging the hell out of me. You see, with my busy schedule of mom, work, wife, dog walker, accountant, house cleaner, etc. I am not always in the mood for sex. Honestly, I am hardly ever in the mood for sex. Not because my husband if unattractive. He has great legs and a nice ass. He’s lost some weight recently on the “no cheese” diet too so he is more attractive then say 5 years ago. Not that I wasn’t attractive to him and that was the reason, like I said, he has great legs and ass. BUT, when I want my nap and he wants to nibble a tit, it is annoying! annoying enough to start a fight, a real fight. You see, I am a physical person. I protect myself and my family. I don’t like people touching me. I am not a huggy person, and I do not like not feeling in control. So even if just playing, my reflexes are extreme and uncontrollable. Too many times my husband tries to play and I end up reflexing a kick to the nards. You’d think he learned after 20 years……..

On this last note, what the hell is with the slimy mucous during ovulation! I can always tell when I’m ovulating. I go pee and to wipe and the damn toilet paper slip-n-slides in my crotch. It’s nasty! I don’t get grossed out by many things, but this is just gross. It’s not fair. Women have the babies, periods, cramps and milk themselves AND have to deal with slimy crotch syndrome. It’s not fair. And it sucks!

Day 1: The Beginning

Hum. I had all of these thoughts in my head thinking about this blog, and now I am stuck. Well let me start with what this blog will be about and why I chose the title.

This is a blog of my everyday thoughts and life as a Real woman. My thoughts will be random and bounce around. This is because my mind does not sleep. It continuously thinks and analyzes information. It recaps the day, the past and the future. It breaks down every move I made and others made. It recreates situations in my sleep so that I can prepare for the next similar situation and protect myself and others. I have mental issues, yes I do. Maybe I will talk about that, maybe not.

I capitalize Real because for some reason, men do not think that women are supposed to do certain things, or talk about certain topics, or eat, drink or sleep certain ways. We are human with the same bodily functions, and so after a conversation with a girlfriend of mine at a soccer tournament, I decided to name this blog, well the name it has. I’ll get to the soccer story later.

So here I am, a mom, a wife, an over-educated Instructional Aide at a high school. I capitalize the title like it means something, like it is equivalent to a CEO, or President. Not by a long shot. In fact, I am a babysitter/mom in 5 classes of self-entitled freshman. These children have no idea how good they have it. But don’t get me started on the education system, this is about women and farting.

Tonight, I lay length-wise on the couch while my son who is 13 squeals like a pig with his high-pitched voice at teammates on an Xbox game. I swear one of these days I will YouTube Live him during a match. Some of the phrases these gamer kids use…..funny as shit. My husband, as usual, is sitting in his recliner with the phone glued to his hand and his finger spinning the slots. Yes, he is one of those that feel it is perfectly fine to spend real money to buy fake money because there is nothing else better he could be doing with it, mmmmm pay bills? I can’t tell you how many “discussions” we have had about this spending of money. Yes, this is where I become the “bitch” because I am the responsible one that pays the bills and he spends money and doesn’t tell me about it. And I have to admit, I probably do nag A LOT about this, but damn! Get out of the chair and earn that $20 you want to spend 🙂 Hee hee. I love the man, but yes ma’am he gets on my nerves. Not to say that it is all his fault. I too have issues, many in fact.

A few years ago I left active duty AF and went back to school to earn my teaching license. I earned it, and well, you know where that landed me, so far. I thought I wanted to teach all because I love science and everything to do with it and I was good a my AF job. I helped people fix their pest issues. I found that I enjoyed talking with people about the subject I most enjoyed, animals and nature. Unfortunately, I dislike high school snotty kids, not all of them, but many of them. So now I wonder what I will do next. Thus, this blog.

My husband has a great job that pays well. We live comfortably, not as well as he would like, but I am good. Hell, give me 5 acres and a tiny house and I’d be good. But I can’t go off and have my Tiny dream until our son is out of the house and off to college. I must make sure he succeeds before I go downsizing to a tool shed-size home.

Skip to present time. Said 13 yo boy raises his voice to his father because he was told to check for ants in his room. You see, like many other pubescent boys, he eats all day long and tends to leave dishes and crumbs on top of his nightstand; add week-long rain and the ants find the food. So to battle I will go tomorrow with the ants. Me, the vacuum cleaner and my arsenal of killer spray. Jk, the vacuum will be good enough for now. I know pest controlling, one of my many talents. Sorry, had to take care of the cats eating off the counter because my husband was too busy spending fake money…..

I wonder what life would be like on my own with my son….is that normal or typical of many wives/moms? I  kid all the time how “I’m leaving”, but I don’t. I don’t want to leave, but just emphasize my anger at the time. Not sure it really matters either way. The boys typically go on with their day of slots and Xbox while I’m gone anyway. And they wonder why I adopted our sons’ ex-girlfriend as my own….not really, but I grab her and go seek wilderness when no one else will go with me. Don’t get me wrong, I have girlfriends, they just aren’t like me…..wild and free! Who am I kidding. My weekends are soccer and more soccer. If I’m lucky, I get a breakfast date with my girlfriend once a month on a Saturday. I also volunteer at a nature center so I do get out with volunteer work, again on my own mostly.

So I just can’t contain myself any longer. The soccer tourney story. Here it goes.

I fart. I fart a lot about a week before my period is due. My boys give me flack for this. I don’t care. I hear their farts and mudslides in the bathroom every day. I also smell them and their beyonddddddd smelly clothes every day. Trust me, you have never smelled anything so disgusting than a soccer players clothing and cleats sitting on the laundry floor with the door closed after a few days. Not even a week! But just a few days! And even after a game, oh god! It literally makes me sick to smell the stank of those shoes and socks. Wash them, Febreeze them, nothing short of a fireplace will remove the smell.

So we were walking back from getting a pretzel and soda when I had to ask her, “Do you get gassy before your period?” Not a question I would ask every girlfriend of mine, but one, her husband is my sons’ pediatrician, two, she has 3 boys of her own, three, she has tattoos, and four, she is as foul-mouthed as I am. I felt safe asking her. Surprisingly, she exclaimed “YES!” We, as in her and her husband, call it the PP (period poops). I about died laughing. How relieved I was to hear that I am not the only woman that farts and has the “PP” before her period begins. Thus, after that conversation with her I decided to create this blog.

Women are created as equally gross as men. Fact. While it is nice that men want to pretend we don’t poop and fart, it is just not true. And I am here to tell the world!